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Anxiety and Anxiousness

I use to suffer from extreme anxiety, leading to me continuously feeling anxious. At times I couldn't sleep, and other times it was so easy for me to fall asleep, knowing all my fear would disappear the moment I closed my eyes. Most of my anxiety was due to my Dyslexia; the teachers were completely oblivious and were very harsh with their words; every day, I woke up with anxiety, how will I survive today. At that time I wasn't diagnosed; neither did my parent or teachers ever pointed out this possibility. Anyway, fast forward.

Today 2020, I opened my restaurant 2019, my anxiety slowly started coming back, I felt it though it wasn't so loud, so I choose to not focus on it. Then I started having panic attacks, waking up at night with short breath as if I was dying/suffocating. At that point, I knew I need to admit it to myself, and at least one person I trust that I am having an anxiety attack and that I have to face all my bottled emotions. At that time, most of my anxiety was due to fear of failure in my new business. Also the fear of the unknown, too much pressure, many people doubted the idea, felt alone many times. Support was hard for me to ask or find. Slowly facing my fears, writing my worries down, talking to a close friend made me realize that all these fears were fears people have put in me, from family to society, and I didn't evaluate success based on that. When I started realizing so many ideas, beliefs I had were actually just projected on me and was not my true belief; I disattached from the images; I remembered my value. I value imperfection; I never seek perfectionism; it was more about the effort and intention as long as I knew I tried my best and gave my best that made me rest in peace.

Funny enough, people always thought or would describe me as a perfectionist, and I honestly was never that. How could I be a perfectionist when no matter how much I studied when I was in school, I barely passed. I came to know it was never about perfectionism. I studied daily very hard, not to get the grade, but because I knew I could pass, I was never about the result as long as I committed and worked hard; that mattered; I also wanted to finish school despite the hardship that comes with it.

Today my anxiety isn't about fear, or at least I don't think it is. It is the uncertainty, the purity of society and people, the hatred we are surrounded with. I live my life as an introvert, especially lately, to protect myself from the external world. I genuinely don't want to do harm or be harmed; I don't want to judge or be judged, I don't want to envy or be envied; I just want to be me and do me. The uncertainty and pushiness of society today is really impairing. What is meant to be the most remarkable movements that are happening are being done with so much judgment. We need to be more excepting, allowing, and giving space for self-expression without fear.

Ex. sexism, it is so hard, especially for men, to talk about it, in fear that they will be misunderstood. Or Veganism, people are afraid to associate with the vegan community because they know the vegan society will hold them accountable for any mistakes or hiccups, or beliefs that are a little different than theirs. Feminism, women empowerment comes in so many shapes and ways. We need to accept diversity. We need to accept people's decisions and embrace it. We need to embrace others and accept them with all their imperfections and know they will make mistakes or even have different beliefs. There is nothing wrong with that; as long as we have more people working towards a better life and a better world, that is genuinely all that matters.

Anxiousness removes clarity; anxiousness makes one feel stuck, heavy, weighted down. I feel this way ever since 2019. It started to creep back into my life; after February 2020 and the pandemic, I felt impaired so often. I don't know whether it's political, environmental, if it's something else. All I know is that it has made people feel unease, feeling out of control. Now the frustration of the second wave, many emotions of uncertainty, and fear is rising again. People are scared yet are wanting to live and work to provide for themselves and their loved ones.

I often worry, and my shoulder felt heavy; I know if it is valid, though I think it comes from society's sadness and fear. Believe it or not, humankind's bitterness makes me feel unease; people so often enjoy bringing others down, bullying, or making them feel less than they are. We ask and want change, yet when someone takes the step to do so; if it isn't exactly what they wanted, they are fast to judge and criticize. If we continuously criticize others that are genuinely trying to make a positive change in this world, then how do you want people to go into the business of doing good when they know that this type of community is so hard and harsh.

I heard a story of a famous unique, beautiful soul that created vegan bags that was attacked because it wasn't environmentally friendly. Burger king who has started to sell a vegan burgers, the vegan community was fast to judge that it wasn't 100% vegan since it was cooked in the same pan they use for the beef, or the mayo they add, we make it so hard for people, someone like burger king most probably feels even when we try they are fast to push us back. This was a significant step forward; this was the first fast-food chain to provide vegan pattie—well done, vegan society.


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